I remember the party from two days ago...? Sort of, anyways.
[ but not one from a week before. was he not invited? he holds the pepper shaker in his lap and focuses on squeezing it so he doesn't crush fukawa's hand ]
[god. This is so frustrating. He doesn't even know how much time has passed? She really, really hopes she can pull this off without upsetting the other guy somehow. Or someone else accidentally saying something, and that triggers a bad episode. It'd still be her fault, and the last thing she wants to do is hurt him any more than she already has, but...
She gnaws the inside of her lip.]
Well, before I say anything more, I will let you know this is more m-m-me having to ask for your decision than anything, not anything else. But not until the end. Okay?
But, um. There was a k-kissing game at the party, right? You remember that.
Do you remember what h-happened with you and Stolas?
[ the anxiety gnaws at him like a family of rats in his gut. okay. he needs to decide something. okay. that's not ominous, not at all a big ask when it concerns an event he barely remembers. he remembers the warmth- giddy and flushed- and the triple whammy of vin xanax and homa xanax and sweet sweet alcohol who has never betrayed him ever ]
The King's Game. I remember. Choi altered the cards...
[ he remembers how fukawa had come up to him like look what card i drew!! and can't help but smile at that memory. the other kisses are fuzzier, more feelings than images. a hand on his jaw, teeth at his lips, but no bird beak peck that he'd imagine a stolas kiss would be like in his demon form. ]
Th-the opposite, actually... [Someone was hurt. A lot of people were, in the days that followed. None so much as him.
She gives his hand a squeeze. To comfort him, to steel herself. To remind her not to withdraw as she spits out the ugly facts.]
Well, it t-turns out he could take on a human-like f-form, so he did for the game. And you two kissed, and it...um. [Her throat is getting a little thick here. She is staring resolutely at her knees.] It got a little out of hand. You left the party.
he squeezes her hand back reflexively, and then keeps on squeezing instead of letting go so he doesn't give into old habits of running away even if he wants to already.
stolas had shown him his human form before, so he can clearly imagine it now. can imagine kissing him, sure, but then leaving together...? he knows what that implies. fukawa doesn't have to spell that out for him. ]
...oh.
[ o...kay? oh... no? he's not sure what to say, or do in this moment where he's feeling dissociated from reality. again people are telling him things that he did, things he has no memory of. what is it he needs to decide? ]
[She gnaws the inside of her lower lip. It's taken a hefty amount of abuse this last week and so remains a bit swollen. All the easier to worry now, or bite on accident (she's done so three times since Monday).]
Mikoto.
[Her thumb rubs over his knuckles, but that doesn't feel like quite enough. She rolls a bit, putting herself facing him as she sits askance from his thighs, her own legs folded and spilling out the other way.]
It's okay. If you d-don't remember everything. I'm not...I'm n-not going to punish you for it, or p-push you away.
I...have my own part in th-this, after all. Is it okay if I keep talking, or...?
[ he looks up at his name, but remains quiet, because it doesn't seem like it's okay at all, to not remember something as big as a fade to black. he'll have to talk to stolas about this too, but he'll have to think about how to do that when he can't even remember what happened. ]
It's okay.
[ he hears his voice, and struggles to be present in his own body. it helps with fukawa in front of him instead of beside, and it helps that he can reach out and hold both her hands like this, trying to maintain eye contact when every time he blinks he can feel his gaze slipping away and having to look back. ]
[he doesn't look thrilled. Not that she would expect him to be, but this sort of hazy daze makes her anxious too. What if the other guy comes back and just cuts her off for good? What if he dissociates and forgets this whole conversation anyway?
Or he just. Doesn't want to deal with it anymore. Her, or this. If she had any kind of experience talking about these things with past boyfriends maybe she could quiet her own nerves, but she doesn't. Nothing for it but to swim out further on this sea with him, both their hands clutched together and eyes locked on one another.
Fukawa takes a breath, and nods.]
Okay.
[Here goes.]
Um, so. I was upset. [Nevermind, eye contact is too much. She bites her lip and looks to the side.] I didn't kn-know what to do, but what I remember is going b-back alone and just f-falling asleep.
But it — the whole th-thing aggravated a condition I have. I haven't had a horrible p-problem with it for a few years, so I didn't...I d-did my best to conceal it, because I was sc-scared of what you all might think. Wh-what you might do.
Basically? I have a split p-personality. And she t-took over.
[ "I was upset" is an understatement and he knows it, especially by the way fukawa can't even look at him when she says this. he lets go of her hand and reaches over to cup her face instead, so she can see him, and see that he sees her. ]
Just like me.
[ it's not like he's completely clueless about it. it's just that he couldn't accept such a thing about himself, the impossibility of it all, the horridness. it frightens him even now.
but that's just him. ]
Whatever happened, it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong.
[She doesn't fight him. Lets him turn her back to face him, and she's glad for it.]
So you...
[know.
She holds his gaze, apprehensive. And he tells her the same thing everyone else has been all week, in spite of her bitterness, her refusals, every attempt to ward them off.]
She hurt you though. [An understatement.] Sh-she might do it again.
[ did she hurt him? he doesn't remember. does that mean it didn't happen? that it won't happen again? no and no. ]
I hurt you first, Toko. I'm- ... I'm sorry. [ he leans forward, wanting desperately to pull her forward into a hug, but he doesn't. just holds her hands, her gaze. ]
I'm sorry for what I did. That I gave her a reason to take over. I'm sorry I put you through that.
[ and can she really say that he paid if he doesn't remember? somebody else must have taken that debt. his own other self, who he's been rejecting and neglecting all this time, who took a week of his life in exchange for... what? ]
No matter what, you have me. Everything else is secondary, things we'll work through together.
[ he's naive, maybe. idealistic. or maybe it's because this whole serial killer spilt personality business is way over his head and doesn't seem real, as detached as he's been forced to be from the whole thing, but he still believes love can overcome. ]
[There's a moment after he says it where her eyes simply stay wide on his. Breath, pulse, sound, all on pause.
Then she surges forward. Kissing him when what she needs is a gulp of oxygen, but first this, hand cupping his jaw in full as the other braces at his shoulder. There's still important things to go over — that pepper shaker is still lying around like an abandoned question mark — she just needs to give thanks. Give an answer back. The words failed her is all, and she's had to watch him stomping around loathing her for a whole week. Hearing him say yes so simply punched through any reserves she had left.]
[ he doesn't need any words. having her is enough- more than enough- that if he can be offered and accepted despite all the horrors that would entail, then he is the happiest man on earth/hell as he pulls her fully onto his lap, smiling into that kiss, fingers threading hair at the back of her head as he holds her close and prolongs that kiss as long as he can because he would rather this moment last forever than have to figure out that pepper shaker ]
i should have tagged this on the way home now we've got wedding/vworp jumpscare
[you really want an excuse to never find out and just die again.
Fukawa hardly fights the shift. She might as well have clambered up herself, pushing up into a side-saddle sit as he weaves fingers through her hair. Is it a diversion tactic? Maybe, a little bit, but she could stand for a little diversion. It's been a wretched week, and she doubts she'll feel truly at ease for a long while after.
She finds herself cupping his head in full, guiding him as if she had any business directing the motion. She's still woefully behind him in every aspect of this. Willing to make up for lost time, though.
After a moment, and too much sweet heat swelling through the miserable knots in her chest, she moves to kiss his cheek, the high bone next to his ear.]
I'll do wh-whatever it takes. I'll do what I can to make you happy and safe.
[from her, from the world. From himself. Anything. She kisses him again there and cards her hands back around, one settling at the base of his neck, the other high to one of his canine ears. She'll rub at the seat of it, marvelling at the shift from human hair to velvety fur.]
And if you ever ch-change your mind, that's okay. Just t-tell me, honestly. [It would hurt. Tremendously, unmistakably. But she promised, and she means it. If that's the happier and safer thing, then she'll commit whole-heartedly.] D-don't just walk away with someone else.
[ he never learns the sneezing lore and just believes forever that fukawa thinks his cooking is bland
problems for future mikoto, bc right now he's more concerned with kisses and ear rubs and the way his tail is thumping audibly against the tree trunk behind him as he tries to pepper her face with kisses not unlike a dog trying to lick every bit of skin he can reach. ]
I won't change my mind. Because you already do. [ she keeps trying to talk, tell him something important, and he nuzzles into her neck, nipping and kissing. ] I'm happiest when I'm with you, Toko, and I feel the safest when I'm with you too.
[ and that's not a lie. he feels safe because he can forget about the world, and only know what it's like to love and be loved, where everything else falls to the wayside. whether he's actually safe or not doesn't come into play, but he feels safe and peaceful here in this moment that he just doesn't share with anybody else, no matter the physical attraction. ]
[Puppy! Pure puppy energy, trying to get at her face like that. God, how is she supposed to get anything done like this?
Not that she minds, terribly. Being someone that somebody can't get enough of. In spite of how horribly tragic she'd felt a moment ago there's a stupid grin on her face as he dips to her neck, her nails scraping light on his scalp as he gets her with a little teeth.
But but but — grabbing his chin a moment and pulling back, forcing him to look her in the eye. A little like a dog and owner, even if she's too mousey to be claiming any leeway on the hierarchy.]
The pepper. This is important. If I st-start acting weird and stop stuttering, throw it in my face. I change when I sneeze, or go unconscious, for some stupid r-reason.
[okay. business over. dips his chin up for a kiss with some damn intention in it before letting her hands snake down his sides.]
[ HAS HE...... SHE'S JUST LIKE WHY TF DOES HE KEEP TALKING ABOUT LUNCH ]
The- what?
[ pepper. okay. he'll do his best to remember that even though he's going to second guess himself and wonder if he misheard, but okay! pepper time is over, it's puppy time now and he's going to roll them both over and flip her onto her back. ]
[finding it hard to care. Her knees are also fully up and closed around him, there is zero percent chance anyone could miss what is happening here. Her own tail lashes through the grass to the side, can't wag like his but it's just as telling.
Fine she will nip his nose and sneak hands under his shirt.]
[ sometimes i think about leng feng calling her bold for public kisses and then she does this
anyways he's more lean than muscular and she can see that 43 seconds into his trial 1 music video if her memory is good enough. if not then her hands can explore that for themselves as he gives special attention to her little mouse ears, licks and nibbles ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Yeah! I know!
[ not sure HOW it's important, but if she says so then sure! okay!! ]
I won't forget next time. Promise!
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[Hoo boy.]
Um. Wh-what all do you remember from last week? Do you remember the party? You had a bit to d-drink...
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I remember the party from two days ago...? Sort of, anyways.
[ but not one from a week before. was he not invited? he holds the pepper shaker in his lap and focuses on squeezing it so he doesn't crush fukawa's hand ]
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[god. This is so frustrating. He doesn't even know how much time has passed? She really, really hopes she can pull this off without upsetting the other guy somehow. Or someone else accidentally saying something, and that triggers a bad episode. It'd still be her fault, and the last thing she wants to do is hurt him any more than she already has, but...
She gnaws the inside of her lip.]
Well, before I say anything more, I will let you know this is more m-m-me having to ask for your decision than anything, not anything else. But not until the end. Okay?
But, um. There was a k-kissing game at the party, right? You remember that.
Do you remember what h-happened with you and Stolas?
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The King's Game. I remember. Choi altered the cards...
[ he remembers how fukawa had come up to him like look what card i drew!! and can't help but smile at that memory. the other kisses are fuzzier, more feelings than images. a hand on his jaw, teeth at his lips, but no bird beak peck that he'd imagine a stolas kiss would be like in his demon form. ]
Did I... black out and hurt somebody? Stol?
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Fukawa grimaces.]
No.
Th-the opposite, actually... [Someone was hurt. A lot of people were, in the days that followed. None so much as him.
She gives his hand a squeeze. To comfort him, to steel herself. To remind her not to withdraw as she spits out the ugly facts.]
Well, it t-turns out he could take on a human-like f-form, so he did for the game. And you two kissed, and it...um. [Her throat is getting a little thick here. She is staring resolutely at her knees.] It got a little out of hand. You left the party.
Together.
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he squeezes her hand back reflexively, and then keeps on squeezing instead of letting go so he doesn't give into old habits of running away even if he wants to already.
stolas had shown him his human form before, so he can clearly imagine it now. can imagine kissing him, sure, but then leaving together...? he knows what that implies. fukawa doesn't have to spell that out for him. ]
...oh.
[ o...kay? oh... no? he's not sure what to say, or do in this moment where he's feeling dissociated from reality. again people are telling him things that he did, things he has no memory of. what is it he needs to decide? ]
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Mikoto.
[Her thumb rubs over his knuckles, but that doesn't feel like quite enough. She rolls a bit, putting herself facing him as she sits askance from his thighs, her own legs folded and spilling out the other way.]
It's okay. If you d-don't remember everything. I'm not...I'm n-not going to punish you for it, or p-push you away.
I...have my own part in th-this, after all. Is it okay if I keep talking, or...?
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It's okay.
[ he hears his voice, and struggles to be present in his own body. it helps with fukawa in front of him instead of beside, and it helps that he can reach out and hold both her hands like this, trying to maintain eye contact when every time he blinks he can feel his gaze slipping away and having to look back. ]
I'm okay. Tell me.
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Or he just. Doesn't want to deal with it anymore. Her, or this. If she had any kind of experience talking about these things with past boyfriends maybe she could quiet her own nerves, but she doesn't. Nothing for it but to swim out further on this sea with him, both their hands clutched together and eyes locked on one another.
Fukawa takes a breath, and nods.]
Okay.
[Here goes.]
Um, so. I was upset. [Nevermind, eye contact is too much. She bites her lip and looks to the side.] I didn't kn-know what to do, but what I remember is going b-back alone and just f-falling asleep.
But it — the whole th-thing aggravated a condition I have. I haven't had a horrible p-problem with it for a few years, so I didn't...I d-did my best to conceal it, because I was sc-scared of what you all might think. Wh-what you might do.
Basically? I have a split p-personality. And she t-took over.
no subject
Just like me.
[ it's not like he's completely clueless about it. it's just that he couldn't accept such a thing about himself, the impossibility of it all, the horridness. it frightens him even now.
but that's just him. ]
Whatever happened, it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong.
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So you...
[know.
She holds his gaze, apprehensive. And he tells her the same thing everyone else has been all week, in spite of her bitterness, her refusals, every attempt to ward them off.]
She hurt you though. [An understatement.] Sh-she might do it again.
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[ did she hurt him? he doesn't remember. does that mean it didn't happen? that it won't happen again? no and no. ]
I hurt you first, Toko. I'm- ... I'm sorry. [ he leans forward, wanting desperately to pull her forward into a hug, but he doesn't. just holds her hands, her gaze. ]
I'm sorry for what I did. That I gave her a reason to take over. I'm sorry I put you through that.
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[Oh god, and she really thought she might make it through this without tearing up once. Idiot.]
I'm s-sorry too! I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let it h-happen, I should have warned people, w-warned you.
[She tried, once. Though that wasn't a much of a warning, more a misguided attempt to help. How funny she'd been so confident back then.
Her hand lifts too, fingertips ghosting his cheek. As if he might shatter should she press too hard, take hold in a way that matters.]
I was a s-selfish coward. I just wanted to...t-to have that kind of happiness, being with you. Without h-having to worry what might happen.
I just wanted you. And you p-paid for it, badly.
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[ and can she really say that he paid if he doesn't remember? somebody else must have taken that debt. his own other self, who he's been rejecting and neglecting all this time, who took a week of his life in exchange for... what? ]
No matter what, you have me. Everything else is secondary, things we'll work through together.
[ he's naive, maybe. idealistic. or maybe it's because this whole serial killer spilt personality business is way over his head and doesn't seem real, as detached as he's been forced to be from the whole thing, but he still believes love can overcome. ]
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Then she surges forward. Kissing him when what she needs is a gulp of oxygen, but first this, hand cupping his jaw in full as the other braces at his shoulder. There's still important things to go over — that pepper shaker is still lying around like an abandoned question mark — she just needs to give thanks. Give an answer back. The words failed her is all, and she's had to watch him stomping around loathing her for a whole week. Hearing him say yes so simply punched through any reserves she had left.]
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i should have tagged this on the way home now we've got wedding/vworp jumpscare
Fukawa hardly fights the shift. She might as well have clambered up herself, pushing up into a side-saddle sit as he weaves fingers through her hair. Is it a diversion tactic? Maybe, a little bit, but she could stand for a little diversion. It's been a wretched week, and she doubts she'll feel truly at ease for a long while after.
She finds herself cupping his head in full, guiding him as if she had any business directing the motion. She's still woefully behind him in every aspect of this. Willing to make up for lost time, though.
After a moment, and too much sweet heat swelling through the miserable knots in her chest, she moves to kiss his cheek, the high bone next to his ear.]
I'll do wh-whatever it takes. I'll do what I can to make you happy and safe.
[from her, from the world. From himself. Anything. She kisses him again there and cards her hands back around, one settling at the base of his neck, the other high to one of his canine ears. She'll rub at the seat of it, marvelling at the shift from human hair to velvety fur.]
And if you ever ch-change your mind, that's okay. Just t-tell me, honestly. [It would hurt. Tremendously, unmistakably. But she promised, and she means it. If that's the happier and safer thing, then she'll commit whole-heartedly.] D-don't just walk away with someone else.
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problems for future mikoto, bc right now he's more concerned with kisses and ear rubs and the way his tail is thumping audibly against the tree trunk behind him as he tries to pepper her face with kisses not unlike a dog trying to lick every bit of skin he can reach. ]
I won't change my mind. Because you already do. [ she keeps trying to talk, tell him something important, and he nuzzles into her neck, nipping and kissing. ] I'm happiest when I'm with you, Toko, and I feel the safest when I'm with you too.
[ and that's not a lie. he feels safe because he can forget about the world, and only know what it's like to love and be loved, where everything else falls to the wayside. whether he's actually safe or not doesn't come into play, but he feels safe and peaceful here in this moment that he just doesn't share with anybody else, no matter the physical attraction. ]
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M-Mikoto!
[Puppy! Pure puppy energy, trying to get at her face like that. God, how is she supposed to get anything done like this?
Not that she minds, terribly. Being someone that somebody can't get enough of. In spite of how horribly tragic she'd felt a moment ago there's a stupid grin on her face as he dips to her neck, her nails scraping light on his scalp as he gets her with a little teeth.
But but but — grabbing his chin a moment and pulling back, forcing him to look her in the eye. A little like a dog and owner, even if she's too mousey to be claiming any leeway on the hierarchy.]
The pepper. This is important. If I st-start acting weird and stop stuttering, throw it in my face. I change when I sneeze, or go unconscious, for some stupid r-reason.
[okay. business over. dips his chin up for a kiss with some damn intention in it before letting her hands snake down his sides.]
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The- what?
[ pepper. okay. he'll do his best to remember that even though he's going to second guess himself and wonder if he misheard, but okay! pepper time is over, it's puppy time now and he's going to roll them both over and flip her onto her back. ]
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Squeaks and is pinned.]
Wh-what if someone sees us!
[Actually tho....what if.]
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[ he lies down fully on top of her, and the grass barely comes up to his ears, never mind the tail wagging back and forth in the air like a flag ]
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[finding it hard to care. Her knees are also fully up and closed around him, there is zero percent chance anyone could miss what is happening here. Her own tail lashes through the grass to the side, can't wag like his but it's just as telling.
Fine she will nip his nose and sneak hands under his shirt.]
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anyways he's more lean than muscular and she can see that 43 seconds into his trial 1 music video if her memory is good enough. if not then her hands can explore that for themselves as he gives special attention to her little mouse ears, licks and nibbles ]
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